


Your Flaws And Mine

by Marzarelo



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 06:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12382569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzarelo/pseuds/Marzarelo
Summary: Kylo Ren suffers from depression.  Armitage Hux suffers from anxiety.  Neither one of them are coping very well, but they try their best to support each other.This was a one-shot inspired by a conversation on Twitter, and then a short follow-up.  Rated Teen+ mostly for language.





	1. Hux

It was later than usual when Hux got home, particularly considering that it was a fucking _Saturday_ and he shouldn’t have had to go into the office in the first place. His supervisor had asked him to, though, and he’d never mastered the ability to say "no" when someone asked him to do something, particularly if that someone was a superior. He had enough in his personal life going on already. Millicent had been ill and needed medication twice a day, Phasma had called in a favor he owed her so he’d been helping her with a personal matter, and his house was a mess because he hadn’t had time to clean it all week. And Kylo had been no help at all.

The lights were off when he walked through the door, but he could tell by the flicker of light on the ceiling and a muffled exchange of voices that the television was on. So that meant Kylo was home. He walked up the stairs and turned down the hall to their room, eager to change out of the stiff suit and into something comfortable so he could finally relax and perhaps enjoy a bit of his weekend. Not that he could really enjoy it when the house was a wreck and he knew he needed to get up early to give Millie her medicine before rushing over to Phasma’s house, but he was going to try.

He took a quick shower to wash the gel out of his hair and dressed in a pair of soft, flannel shorts with a pattern of donuts and ice cream cones printed on them (Kylo had gotten them for him when they first moved in together), and an over sized t-shirt that used to be Kylo’s, but he’d since claimed it as his own. At least he was physically more comfortable, even if all his waiting and neglected responsibilities still plagued him like a constant itching under his skin. Maybe after he gave Millie her evening medication, that would be one less thing he had to worry about this evening and he could relax. And it was almost 6:00. Plenty late enough for a cocktail. That might settle his nerves a bit.

Millicent was waiting right outside the door when he went out into the hall, and did her best to weave around his ankles as he made his way down the hall. Either she didn’t remember that he was going to shove a pill down her throat when they got to the kitchen, or she’d already forgiven him in advance. Bless her precious, fuzzy heart. It didn’t stop her from making a fuss and growling at him when he actually did the deed, though. When he set her back down, she sprinted off into the living room. Apparently she hadn’t forgiven him in advance after all.

There was an empty foil lasagna pan in the sink, which was annoying because he’d just bought the damned lasagna a couple days ago. He meant to cook it this weekend and have it for dinner and leftovers for a couple days, but now it was gone and he hadn’t gotten a single bite of it. The sheer volume of food Kylo could put away in a single day sometimes still boggled his mind, though. Particularly at times like… well… how he’d been recently. Sighing softly, Hux resolved to deal with cleaning and recycling the lasagna pan in the morning. He would try very hard not to let the fact that it was sitting in the sink bother him all night.

After browsing the refrigerator contents briefly, he put together a small plate of fruit and cheese for himself so at least he wouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach. He nibbled on that while he poured himself a stiff gin and juice and, after a moment of thought, poured a second one for Kylo before gathering both drinks and his plate and finally heading into the living room.

Kylo lay on one half of the sectional sofa, his legs stretched out on the chaise portion of it, and his hips and upper body curled across the end seat and the middle cushion. The television was on, but Kylo’s eyes were glassy as he stared at the screen with one hand resting on Millicent, who had curled up against the curve of his stomach. He was wearing the same black cotton pajama pants and heathered grey shirt that he’d gone to bed in the night before.

Hux walked across the living room quietly and took his seat at the end of the sofa, setting everything he carried carefully on the coffee table. "I made you a drink."

Kylo’s eyes flicked briefly toward him, then settled on the drinks on the coffee table. "Thanks… Hi… How was work?"

Work was awful. It was stressful, the clients were unreasonable, he couldn’t meet his deadlines, he hated his job, _hated it, GOD_ \- "It was all right. At least I don’t have to go in tomorrow." He shrugged nonchalantly. Surely the last thing Kylo needed was to hear him rant for hours about the stress of his job. "Did you go out today?"

"I-… no. I just-" Kylo’s eyes flicked down toward the floor in shame, and Hux immediately felt guilty. He didn’t want to make Kylo feel any _worse_ than he already did.

"It’s all right." He reached over to stroke Kylo’s uncombed, slightly greasy hair back from his face as he took a sip from his drink. Clearly he hadn’t showered, either. Maybe he could convince him to shower with him in the morning. "Maybe we can go to the store tomorrow afternoon and cook something nice for dinner." He wasn’t sure if he’d have time for it among all the other things he had to do tomorrow, but he’d do his best to get it all done and make a nice dinner and spend some time with his boyfriend who needed him. "Would you scoot back a bit?"

Kylo shifted over, moving until his back rested against the back of the couch. Millicent flicked her tail in irritation and jumped down, heading over to the coffee table to sniff at the cheese on Hux’s plate with interest. Hux waved her away gently and she wandered off to the kitchen, then he lay down in the space Kylo had made for him, his back pressed firmly to Kylo’s chest, Kylo’s body heat slowly soothing some of the tension in his muscles. "I missed you," he sighed.

"I missed you too." Kylo buried his nose in the hair on the back of Hux’s head and wrapped an arm tightly around his middle, sighing softly in return. "I’m sorry…"

"It’s all right." Hux found Kylo’s hand pressed against his ribs and threaded their fingers together. "Or it will be, anyway."


	2. Kylo

God, this was hard. Here he was, standing in the produce section of the local co-op, staring at the organic broccoli. He was tired, and he just couldn’t bring himself to care about any of this, but Hux was trying so hard to help him and make things okay that when he asked Kylo to come out shopping with him, he couldn’t say no.

It was helpful, if he was honest. If it weren’t for Hux being there to coax him into it, he wouldn’t even do the most basic personal hygiene tasks. It helped just to have Hux there, because even though he wouldn’t do those things for himself, he would make a little more of an effort not to be a completely disgusting sack of shit for Hux’s sake. He’d even let Hux talk him into a shower that morning, despite the fact that he could hardly stand the thought of getting out of bed when he woke. But Hux needed to go run an errand, and he wanted to shower first, and he wanted company. It was the least he could do, after all the effort Hux went to for him when he fell into episodes like this.

He was worried about Hux, too. He didn’t give a shit about himself or what happened to him, but he cared about Hux, and he wasn’t so self-centered that he couldn’t tell that Hux wasn’t okay. He hadn’t bitched about work all week, and he’d been taking on extra responsibilities. Working extra hours, helping Phasma with her cousin’s wedding, taking care of the sick cat, and trying to keep up with all the things Kylo _wasn’t_ doing to help around the house. He felt like shit for that, too. He hated himself even more for not helping with the cleaning and cooking and taking care of Hux’s beloved cat, but it was so hard to force himself to do anything more than the absolute bare minimum to keep his job and pay his share of the bills.

"What do you think we should have for dinner? We could do chicken and potatoes again. Or maybe they have some grass-fed beef in stock and we could have steaks. Or we could have pasta. Maybe a seafood alfredo if they have any of the fresh shrimp left."

He gave a placid nod as he listened to Hux rattle off all their options. He didn’t really care what they had for dinner. No matter what they had, he’d probably just eat it without even thinking about it, hardly even tasting it. He didn’t want to seem flippant, though, so he tried to think of what Hux would probably prefer. Hux liked lighter foods. Hux liked seafood. "We can do the shrimp thing. That sounds good."

Hux went a little stiff when he said that, then nodded. "We can do that. We’ll see if they have any shrimp."

Kylo immediately felt like he’d made the wrong decision. He supposed the pasta-thing was a little more complicated to make. Maybe he should have just picked whatever would be easiest to make. They both knew he was too listless to be much help in the kitchen right now, so most of the cooking would be left to Hux. "Or whatever. I mean, we can just make microwave baked potatoes or something easy-"

"No, it’s fine. I said I wanted to make something nice, so we’ll make something nice." Hux went over to the meat and seafood counter and, sure enough, there were a couple of pounds of fresh shrimp left. Hux loved fresh shrimp, so at least when dinner was all done Hux would enjoy it. That was the important thing, wasn’t it?

He followed Hux around the store, trying his best to offer opinions and help Hux make shopping decisions despite the fact that he really couldn’t give a shit what they bought. If it were up to him he probably would have lived on ramen and delivery pizza for the past week and a half. He didn’t even necessarily cook the ramen, sometimes he just crushed the noodles in the package and ate them dry because he couldn’t be bothered to get out a pan and turn on the stove. Hux wanted to make sure they had properly nutritious food in the house, though, and he wanted Kylo to eat well and take care of himself, so Kylo tried to give input and suggest things he might be likely to eat on days like this when he could barely bring himself to get out of bed if left to his own devices.

Hux seemed particularly stiff, his replies short and a little bit clipped as they made their way up and down the aisles, like maybe he was getting irritated. Kylo worried he was getting fed up with him. That he might finally be realizing Kylo wasn’t worth his time or his effort or his love. It was only a matter of time before Hux realized what a useless sack of shit he was and left him, and even though he felt like that would be the best thing for Hux, he was still too selfish to want to let him go. So Kylo got quieter and didn’t offer an opinion unless Hux specifically asked. Tried to act and answer the way he thought Hux would want him to. Hux was under a lot of stress. Maybe if he was quiet and didn’t add to Hux’s stress, it would be okay.

Hux paid for the groceries, and Kylo loaded them into the car. He felt his own phone buzz, and heard Hux’s message notification chime as they both slid into the car, and they both looked at their phones while Kylo dug out the keys and put them in the ignition. Dopheld was inviting them over to have drinks and watch the new episode of "American Gods" with him and his wife. That seemed like the kind of thing Hux would enjoy. Hux liked Dopheld. Hux liked "American Gods." Hux liked cocktails. "You wanna’ go over to Dopheld’s after dinner?" Kylo sure as fuck did _not_ want to go, but he would go if it would make Hux happy.

There was sharp hitching of breath from the passenger’s seat and Kylo looked over to see Hux doubled over, his palms pressed against his forehead as he stared down at his lap. His eyes brimmed with tears as he took slow, shuddering breaths.

Kylo was more alarmed at that sight than he had been about anything in weeks. "Hux…"

"I- There’s so much, I can’t- _Fuck!_ I can’t!" Hux continued breathing deeply, like he was trying his best to calm himself down. Every blink sent fresh tears streaming down his cheeks, but he wiped them away as soon as they fell, as if wiping them away quickly could negate the fact that they had fallen at all.

"Hey…" Kylo reached over to rest one broad hand on Hux’s thigh, squeezing gently in what he hoped was a comforting way.

Hux leaned back in his seat, pressing his head against the headrest and looking up at the roof of the car as he took deep breaths in through his nose and exhaled slowly through his mouth. A few tears trailed from the corner of his eyes into the edge of his hairline. "I can’t _do_ everything, Kylo. I have things to do at home. I need to clean, Millie needs her medicine, I need to make my lunch for tomorrow, I need to make dinner-" he broke off with a stifled sob and another shaking breath.

"You don’t _need_ to do everything. We don’t need to go to Mitaka’s house. I’ll text him and tell him to fuck off. Or- I’ll say I have the stomach flu or whatever. We’ll stay home, and… I’ll make dinner. And I can give Millie her medicine…"

Hux looked over at him then, eyes narrowed in disbelief even through the puffy redness and tears. He must have found Kylo’s answering gaze sincere, though, because he suddenly leaned over to bury his face against Kylo’s collarbone as he collapsed into a fit of helpless sobs.

Kylo was never sure what to do when Hux had attacks like this, but he wrapped his arms around him and let him shake and sob for as long as he needed to. It usually passed within a few moments, and for some reason it always seemed to happen in the car when they were between one errand and another, but he just held on to Hux and weathered it along with him.

After a minute or two Hux pulled away, wiping his eyes and fishing a tissue out of his pocket to blow his nose as he tried to compose himself. "I’m sorry. God, I’m not helping at all. This is the last thing you need right now."

Kylo shook his head as he put the car into gear and pulled out of the lot, heading back toward their home. Once he pulled out onto the street, he reached over to take Hux’s hand and squeeze it firmly. "You’re helping _a lot_. You help _so much_ , you have no idea… I’m gonna’ try to help, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Took a short break from writing Odds of Survival to vent some frustration. Posted this on tumblr already, but I thought I'd share here.


End file.
